Bora Bora? No, I'm not a Kardashian..

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

I'm currently getting ready to head to Charlotte and dance my face off to Dave Matthews all night.  But seeing as today is Wedding Wednesday, I figured I would talk about some of the wedding pressure I've been feeling lately.  And by talk about it, I mean joke about it to release some of my tension.  And yes, I am saying all of this as a bride-to-be.  Just facing the facts ladies.  You're welcome.

 As a guest, you are required to do and buy a lot of things.  For example, if you're a 'close friend/bridesmaid/groomsman' are stuck dishing out shit tons a lot of cash for various wedding celebrations.  

1. Bachelor/Bachelorette Party and/or Weekend
Depending on the intensity of your bridal could find yourself in a jet setting situation.  A close friend of mine is getting married this fall, and I was asked to come to her Bachelorette party in Chicago.  The answer to that question was a no...unfortunately I don't have an extra grand to throw at a few days in Chi-town when I can't even afford to fully stock my fridge most weeks.

2.  Showers
Don't even get me started on showers.  I hate them with every inch of my being.  The second I got engaged I told my mother and maid of honor that if they attempted to throw me a shower I wouldn't show up.  Showers make me extremely uncomfortable...and let's face it, no one wants to be there.  Harsh, yes, but it is reality.  I do not want to sit in a circle and watch you open 6 pots, 15 monogrammed towels and some fucking damn cutting boards.  Nope, no thank you, not one bit.

3.  Wedding Attire
If you are part of the wedding party, then you are forced into spending money on a dress or tux, shoes, outfits for the rehearsal, for the bachelor/bachelorette, for the showers...the list goes on and on.  And as a guest, you still might be invited to these other parties and then have to find some acceptable outfit to wear to the actual wedding.  And god help us all if it's black tie.

4.  Gifts
Depending on how involved you are...there could be a need for multiple gifts for said wedding.  And no, they didn't register for anything in the $0-$50 category.  Sorry.

5.  Travel
If you are lucky, the wedding you are attending is near your house and you don't have to worry about finding a way to get there.  But for most of us, travel is involved.  Expensive plane tickets and hotel rooms, rental cars, taking vacation days...

If you are the one stuck planning the actual wedding...then you're probably already familiar with the crazy amount of stress that comes along with it.  And I do this for a living!

1. Expenses
Umm...who the hell decided to make weddings so damn expensive?  My fiance and I are refusing to let my parents pay for the entire wedding...and damnnn this shit ain't cheap.  How people seriously spend like $40k on a wedding just blows my mind.  It is basically a 6 hour party..and then it's over and you are poor.

2.  Unsolicited Advice
'Wow, thank you for suggesting we get married at the pool hall in your town!  I will absolutely keep that in mind, as our 37th backup option.'
'When you got married your bridesmaids wore elbow length gloves?  And I can borrow them?  Heyyy thanks.'
'Why are we spending money on an open bar?  Oh, I don't help ourselves deal with people like you.'
'You bought a white dress to wear to the rehearsal dinner?  So we could be matching?  How thoughtful.'

3.  #SweatingForTheWedding
I hate the gym.  I like double cheeseburgers.  And vodka.  And whiskey.  ENOUGH SAID.

4.  Facebook and Instagram
Yes, summer is 'Wedding Season'...but if I see one more lavish affair followed by a two week vacation to St. Lucia I might have to throw my computer/iPhone through the window.  Brings me back to point numero uno...where you getting all that damn money.  St. Lucia?  Bora Bora?  Unfortunately, my last name isn't Kardashian.

Any other fellow brides feeling stressed and overwhelmed like I am?  I know you're out there!

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  1. HAHA. Jess is getting a little fiesty today and I love it! I understand that it's the bride's big day and all, but I've spent no less than a grand on every wedding I've been in, and close to it for those I simply attended. It's a bit absurd. It's nice to see that you realize that even as a bride yourself! Cray cray.

  2. There is no way in hell that I am spending a fortune on my wedding. All I care about is my dress, having my friends and family there, and spending the rest of my life with the man I love. Everything else is just whatever. I'm with you on the 2 week vacation to Bora Bora. #1, I'm not rich. #2, I don't have that many vacation days. We will be lucky if we get to spend a week in FL for our honeymoon. This wedding stuff is just insane! I'm glad someone agrees :)

  3. I used to have fantasies about eloping. Or just getting married at the courthouse. Or something without all the freaking stress. I did everything on the super cheap and we honeymooned at the isle of palms.

  4. OMG! I'm obsessed with your #brideproblems!!! YOU ARE HILARIOUS. I feel all those pains, girlfriend! I suggest a big ol' glass of Pinot and that should start solving the problem, maybe another if necessary ;) xoxo

  5. jenna marbles! :)
    i don't understand #1 either. you like legit have to cut a guest list down to 12 people unless you have a gazillion dollars.

  6. New reader here, and let me just start by asking where have you been all my life??? This is amazing. I got engaged about six weeks ago and this whole ordeal is too f-ing much. You're so right - no one wants to go to a shower, and no one wants to go broke flying to bachelorette parties where a bunch of girls who don't know each other are forced to get blackout drunk just to deal w/ the awkwardness. Like you said, a lot of us out here have enough trouble taking care of the groceries. As for the cost of the wedding, my parents should be allowed to retire someday, and asking them to cover it just seems wrong especially since I plan to get wasted and prob won't remember it. Lastly - and I apologize for this essay of a comment - don't even get me started on wedding diets, tanning, teeth bleaching, etc. No way am I working that hard and making myself that miserable when I'll be back to my old outta shape, pasty, yellow-toothed self a week after the wedding. That transformation would just confuse the shit out of ppl. Thank you for this amazing post.

  7. mmm yea Tom's sister just got married and I went thru all the bride AND bridesmaid stuff. their parents paid for their wedding. I on the other will be brokebrokebroke